Yesterday, we had yet another specialist appointment for Daniel to not leave any stone unturned in our relentless search for answers. We met a very kind, compassionate pediatric cardiologist who confirmed what we already knew: his medical condition is not cardiac related. Definitely a relief since both my parents passed away from heart disease in their fifties. Relief, thankfulness flooded over us, but then the gnawing ache of, “Well, what is wrong with him?” returned with a strong intensity. The cardiologist is going to consult with another specialist he works with and get back with us early next week. He admitted that the health issues Daniel has are “rare” and sometimes “we never know” what’s wrong. Not exactly comforting, but the honesty was appreciated.
Daniel, in his wise. mature sixteen years, has reminded me over and over again.
“Mom, don’t get your hopes up just because it looks likes I’m having a better day, I still feel the same: tired.” He even went on to give an analogy: if you have a flat plain and want to make a hill. You have to dig a hole to make the hill. To make it flat again, you put the dirt back in the hole. It’s the same dirt, might look different, but nothing has really changed. Quite the analytical thinker, but also very honest, he’s miserable but chooses to keep on keeping on.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s a lesson for me in all of this mess. What if he doesn’t get better? What if he has to learn to cope with constant fatigue? What if the medical answers do not come? What if, as a parent, I have to accept my child may not be like his peers and will need extra care or rest? There’s a song by Casting Crowns titled: Even If. Lately, God has been using that song over and over to confirm his sovereignty in my life. “Even if the healing doesn’t come, You are still God.”
Maybe, just maybe, I need to step back and let God just be God, Maybe, just maybe, I need to let go of the fact that I can’t fix him, I can take him to doctors, but I can’t fix the situation. Maybe, just maybe, I need to recklessly abandon myself to pure, simple trust and not make it so emotional and complicated. Even if healing does not come in a way I would like, I still love my son and God will still be God….holy, divine, sovereign, and perfect.