Feeling sort of out of sorts today, not physically ill, just mentally worn out and my patience has run out temporarily. We had four fairly decent days with Daniel feeling well enough to get through the school day; understanding that this status is still physically pretty miserable. Today, it was one of the days he simply could not get out of bed and couldn’t function at all. It’s those mornings when I see him in bed curled up in his covers, and it takes everything in me to get dressed in my “teacher clothes” and go to work. Yes, his daddy is here with him to watch him and to take care of him; but I want to be the one doting on him. The reality of the situation is that his mysterious illness has snatched every single one of my sick days and personal days. In order to get paid I have to go to school…even when I have NO desire to do so. After February 15th, I do “earn” five more days of sick leave, but leaving him at home when I really want to stay with him has taken its emotional toll on me.
Imagine a long table, filled with thousands and thousands of tiny, intricate puzzle pieces spread all over the table. That visualization is exactly how I feel at the moment….all the pieces are on the table, but I can’t even find the corners and frame pieces much less put the massive puzzle together. In the past few days, we’ve had medical letters sent to the high school for Daniel to receive some temporary accommodations for his intense work load. None of the doctors knew what the other ones had written, but they all used similar terms to describe Daniel’s medical conditions: “unknown at this time”, “pending results”, “waiting on lab results,” “extreme fatigue,” “no treatment known at this time”. The mama in me just wants to weep….WHY can’t these medical “specialists” figure out what’s wrong with him? Why has he had to suffer for so long without any answers? Why can’t they see how much it has negatively impacted his life? Why can’t someone DO something to help him?
Yes. I have prayed until I just couldn’t pray anymore and the Holy Spirit had to intercede for me. Others have filled the gap and prayed with us and for us. I know those prayers are being heard and answered. My faith does not depend on visible results or fancy fanfare prayers. Waiting is an active verb according to God’s Word. So, I will not passively and pitifully wait for medical answers, I will fervently pray, cry sometimes, and always take care of my boy who is almost a man.
Jigsaw puzzle, scattered pieces everywhere, begins to take shape when only two pieces interlock perfectly. Praying the jumbled mess will become a masterpiece of God’s healing power, His provision and His everlasting glory.