Okay, I admit it, I’m done, I’m ready to throw in the towel and maybe even scream and stomp my feet for emphasis. Sweet Daniel is beyond exhaustion and can’t move out of the bed. I’ve spent the last week making medical phone calls, picking up new medications and hoping that someone would call me back with an appointment. And….no one called me back, he had a reaction to the new medication and still couldn’t go to school today. So, I did what every other mom in the world would do. I wrapped my arms around my husband’s neck, put my head on his chest and sobbed for our child, wept tears of pure frustration and cried until I just couldn’t cry anymore. I took another sick day, got on the phone and stayed on the phone until I got an appointment with another specialist.
If I had the money, I would whisk him off to the beach for salty air, fresh breezes, the healing ocean waves and pump him up with vitamins just so he could be a normal teenager for a few days. It’s to the point that he doesn’t even remember what “normal” is supposed to feel like anymore. I really am trying to look for the miracles in this storm, trying to hang on God’s promises, trying to cherish every memorable moment. Most days, we make it through with praises to spare, but today is just not one of them.
Now, we’re gathering information on homebound instruction, and getting all our ducks in a row in case I have to go on family medical leave to stay home with him. If this is lesson in trust, then God is pulling out all the stops, because if I go on family leave then I don’t get paid. Not that I put my trust in money…hardly possible on a meager teacher salary…but we do have bills that have to be paid.
I was somewhat hesitant to post this blog; definitely do not want to portray a poor pitiful me story. The truth of the matter is that life is hard, very hard at times and we don’t need a “churchy” answer. We need earnest prayer for our son and we need someone to say, “It really is going to be OK” when I have my weepy moments. I don’t need a scripture quoted to me, I don’t need there’s a lesson to be learned here, I don’t need a story of other illnesses…..I just need to cry, allow myself to get angry and then pick up the pieces and move on.
Lord, I need you… I am discouraged, You are the lifter of my head
I am weary, You have promised to carry me on eagle’s wings
I am depleted, You are my provider
I am frustrated, You are the great I AM
I am weak, You are made strong in my weakness.
I am confused, You bring order from chaos
I am exhausted, You are my Abba, Father who love me.
Lord, I need you and I submit, I surrender to Your perfect plan….even when it’s hard, it’s frustrating and I don’t know what to do.