Today was supposed to have been a family day to visit our girls in Farmville and to attend a civil war re-enactment at Sailor Creek Battlefield Park. We were scheduled to leave the house by 9:15 am meet the girls by 10:30. I started trying to wake up Daniel at 7:00 in hopes of getting him up and going. After two hours of trying, pleading and holding back tears of frustration, I finally went on my own to meet the girls and Clif stayed home with Daniel. This is not a lazy teenager just wanting to sleep in on Saturday morning, he physically can not move or function when he gets this tired. No amount of conjoling will convince him to move. Emotionally, he wants to get up, but physically he simply can not move. He describes it like having heavy weights placed on his body. The crazy part of it is there is no rhyme, reason or pattern to any of it.
So, I drove to Farmville as a potential emotional wreck. The hot tears were right behind my eyes threatening to stream down my face. Negative, bitter thoughts of “this is just not fair”, “my son’s life shouldn’t be this way” and even pleading with God to HEAL him..please!” stumbled through my head. The Christian radio station was on, as usual, and song after song related to ME and the adversity we are facing now with Daniel’s continual health problems. No lightening bolts, no tremendous thunderous voice booming from heaven, just a peace that completely surrounded me while I listened to song after song filling the car and my soul.
As of this past week, we have now seen 12 different specialists, had every blood test known in the medical field, traveled to two different states and follow a dairy free, gluten free diet. Still, he is exhausted beyond understanding. We, his parents, are frustrated, broke and also exhausted…but still we trust, we hope, we pray without ceasing. I have been through a lot of adversity in my 52 years, but seeing your child chronically ill has definitely been the most heart-wrenching of all the trials I have ever faced. Spiritual warfare is very real and it works overtime when you’re worn, you’re stressed and you will do anything to help your child feel better.
I keep scriptures with me everywhere….in every room of the house, in my car, in my purse. The radio only plays Christian music to fill my mind with His word and HIs goodness. If you think I do this to be a perfect Christian…no way…I do this to keep from falling completely apart. I acknowlege that I’m very fragile right now and any negative influence could push me right over the top. I have to keep trusting, to keep praying, to keep repeating His promises…..to keep from falling into the absolute abyss of darkness. I wish I could say it was easy and that I praise the Lord all the time even in the midst of this trial…but I can’t. Maybe I’m not the mature Christian I should be after all, or maybe I’m just a REAL believer fighting the fight of her life and not giving in or giving up. Yes, it is so hard at times, it is draining, it is consuming and it’s just plain awful…but this mom is not ever going to wave a white flag of surrender. Two very long years and 12 specialists later, I am still trusting, still praying, still fighting until I get my son back again. God is whispering, “Trust Me Now” and I am walking by faith, not by sight.