I Refuse

       This morning I woke up in a funky, weepy mood and haven’t been able to shake it all day. Part of it is pure frustration, part of it is exhaustion and part of it is just plain being tired of dealing with all of this for so long.  I have so many slips of paper with phone numbers, doctor appointments, and notes to myself to not forget something that I’m sure I’ve lost a forest of trees somewhere on this planet!  Daniel continues to feel awful, and I continue to search for answers for him.

     The other day at work I was so stressed from everything in general I literally locked myself in the back hallway staff bathroom and just sobbed.  I had what we call in our family, “a come to Jesus meeting” with the devil himself.  Beating my fists against the cold, cement block wall, I wept and whispered repeatedly, ” You can’t have him, he’s mine. You take your hands OFF of him, he’s God’s child, NOT yours!”  Now I know if anyone had their ear upon the door listening they would have deemed me a crazy lady and had me committed.  But, the time had come to wrestle with the devil and tell him who’s boss…and you do what you have to do.

     I refuse to be a cookie cutter Christian with a fake smile and a scripture to spout on my lips. No, thank you, I’ll admit I’m a fragile woman who desperately needs the Lord.  I refuse to be someone who accepts “I don’t know” from numerous medical doctors.  Pursuing the root cause of his mysterious illness will be my driving force until we get a real answer. I refuse to give in to the temptation of worry. We’ve got plenty to worry about with stacks of bills and no sick days left for me, but worrying won’t pay the bills or change the situation. I will cling to God’s promises that He is forever faithful and will provide for every single need we have even before I ask.  I refuse to allow Daniel’s health issues to rain on Sarah’s parade of graduating from Longwood next month.  She has worked so hard and deserves every bit of recognition she will receive.  I will be the proudest mom there! I refuse to wallow in self-pity.  Oh, it would be so easy to fall head first into this trap, but I can NOT allow pity to creep ever so slowly into my soul.  I will keep praying, even when I don’t know what to pray for anymore. I will keep thanking everyone who has lifted us up in prayer, offered help and just gave us hugs when no words could be spoken.

       I refuse to be a wimpy mom who gives up at the first indication of adversity and weariness. I may be bleary-eyed and foggy brained, but I refuse to give up, give in or walk away.  I’m still standing even though my shield of faith is battered, dented and battle-worn. When it’s all over, you’ll hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” whispered from heaven…and I refuse to leave it alone until I hear those whispers raining down on me. 


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