In the past three days, Daniel has been awake maybe 10 hours and that’s probably pushing it. His energy, stamina and alertness have vanished and a sleeping child is all that remains. When he was a toddler. I would have paid someone $100 just to get him to take a nap of any length over ten minutes, and now I would be willing to sacrifice anything we own just to see him well again. Granted, I am very grateful that whatever he has is not terminal and he’s not in any pain. Logically, I know it could be a lot worse than what it is, but still my emotional “mom” heart is broken and stretched to the limit.
In school, I have to hold my tongue and keep my emotions intact when someone casually asks me, “How are you?” Right now in my life. that’s a very loaded question and it’s a labored effort to answer it. I have to keep my mouth under control when my students act up and test the limits. Every part of me wants to lash out at them, but I can’t and I won’t.
It was so much easier when my children were younger. Every scrape, bruise, bump and boo-boo was kissed and all was better after a hug, a kiss and a cure-all band-aid. Sore throats and fevers were cured with a popsicle and curling up in the bed with mommy and daddy. Upset tummies meant you got to indulge in a rare ginger-ale soda. Now, at only six weeks away from being seventeen, these parent remedies aren’t working and neither is anything else. As I’ve mentioned before, Daniel is handling all of this well and doesn’t bemoan his fate or feel sorry for himself.
Yes, it’s ME who’s barely hanging on…not him. He’s sleeping and trying to heal, and I’m driving my own self crazy at times. Our UVA specialist has told us that until we can have the extensive sleep study completed, to let him sleep. School has been put on hold, teaching him to drive is out of the question now, and we’re fortunate if he eats one good meal a day. So, he sleeps and sleeps and I pray, cry, go through the motions at work and keep holding on.
I keep holding on because God has never failed me. I keep holding on because there’s simply no choice, my family and my students depend on me. I keep holding on because I’m the mom. I keep holding on because if I let go it will all unravel and I’m not sure the consequences of all that is really worth it. I hold on to God’s promises, His will, His timing and His wisdom…because there is simply nothing else to hold on to right now.