The Reality

     I’m really close to throwing a really big bash for myself…a pity party complete with sadness, anger, bitterness and even a little I really don’t care attitude.  The last straw came today when I got a phone call at work this morning.  It was the doctor’s office telling me that our insurance denied the new medication Daniel has been taking on a trial basis this past week.  We paid out of pocket for a week’s worth of medicine ( to the tune of $21 per pill) to see how he would do with it.  He’s not 100% by any means, but we have seen some improvement.  In all the treatment plans we’ve tried in the past this medication has shown the most promise.  With that phone call, I was simply crushed and thought to myself,” I’m sure how much more I can handle.” 

      The stark reality is no one has yet to be able to diagnose Daniel and we’ve tried every stimulant out there in hopes of keeping him awake.  School for him has completely fallen apart, an honor roll student reduced to just surviving.  Medical bills keep coming in and budget cuts keep swiping away at our income.  Our days revolve around how he feels and if he is able to stay awake longer than just a couple of hours.  The reality is I’ve lost hope in the medical field and have been totally disillusioned.  I’m angry that no one senses urgency in his chronic illness that has slowly taken his teenage life away.

     Yes, I know without a doubt, God will take all of this and work it for His perfect good.  But, right now, it still hurts, it’s still overwhelming, it’s still exhausting.  Just when I think when I’ve got one thing under control, then something else breaks loose. Any other day I probably would just cry for a few minutes and then move on, but today I just got angry. We pay huge insurance premiums and they get to dictate what my son can have and who he can see for medical issues. Yes, we’ve already appealed their decision, but it shouldn’t have to be this way. It’s really a good thing that my husband handled the appeal phone call today, because I would have probably told them off with a royal hissy fit attitude. The sad part is that I”m really not like that at all. I”m a very calm, even tempered, patient person but these constant battles have turned me into an assertive, blunt and emotional mom fighting for my son who can’t fight for himself right now.
The reality is we’re all so tired, so stressed and so ready for a miracle. Ok, a real pity party for five whole minutes. Then, we put on our work boots and keep going.

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