Last week Sarah was getting ready to drive to a young adult Bible Study. The location for the meeting was unfamiliar to her and of course, we had to give her directions. Poor baby, she has her mother’s sense of direction…which is absolutely NONE! Her dad was telling her the directions aloud and using directional terms like “east” and going under the underpass. I could see the glazed look of “I have no idea what you’re talking about” in her eyes and the rising panic in her facial expression. I pulled her aside and wrote down the directions exactly step by step and wrote what landmark she would see at each step….the only way I know how to do directions. The relief on her face was so obvious. She confidently got in her car and drove off safely to her destination. Same place, two sets of directions given in two different ways, only one way was understood and accomplished. Daddy’s directions would have gotten her there, she just didn’t understand how to follow them.
This past year of my life has felt a lot like that…totally lost, searching for direction, looking for a location in the analogy of trying to find a diagnosis and proper doctor for Daniel. I’m still whirling, twirling and spinning in trying to find answers, but have had to just wait until we find out how he does with his medication trial. So far, he has shown a little bit of improvement in staying awake during the day, but still can’t endure beyond two days before crashing again. He hasn’t been able to attend a full week of school since before Christmas and it’s really aggravating that the medical field senses no urgency in that fact. I simply do not know where to turn to from here. Fourteen doctors have brought us back to square one. I feel like I’ve been on a long wild goose chase and have lost badly. In the meantime, my son is still ill, the bills keep rolling in, and the pure exhaustion from it all is almost unbearable at times.
I promised myself when I chose to do this blog that I would be bluntly honest, not sugar coat anything and not portray a sickening sweet Pollyanna fake attitude. The truth is my heart absolutely breaks every time he has to stay home from school; I’m beyond frustrated with the medical field and my emotions are so fragile just looking at me wrong will bring an onset of tears. I keep on praying, keep on working, keep on being a mom. My hope is one day we will not feel we’ve been sucked into an eternal whirlwind and we’ll have a clear direction on which way to go. This directions-deficit mom is willing to follow God’s path no matter what the direction, but in the meantime I will worship while I wait. One day I’ll be able to look back and see how far we’ve come, but right now I’m stuck at the intersection waiting on which direction to take. My quietness is not being anti-social, I’m just pondering and praying about what to do next. Sometimes when you’re lost, the best thing to do is just be quiet, get your bearings, and just wait until you’re calmer. God speaks…even when you’re lost.