Every Sunday in church I have to bring tissues because the message and the music always move me to tears. They are not sad tears, just tears that cleanse my soul and tears that reaffirm my trust in the LORD over and over again. I’m seriously thinking of suggesting to put a box of tissues at the end of each row! The past two plus years of dealing with Daniel’s illness, the financial burdens and just trying to cope day to day at work have made me keenly aware of God’s Holy presence and my constant need to simply trust HIM. I wish I could say I was the perfect believer and never doubted, but doubts have risen like curling smoke from a chimney. You’d think by the age of 52, I would be a wise Christian example, but sometimes my own children amaze me in their child-like belief and wisdom way beyond their years.
This journey has taught me to fight and hold onto faith, not feelings. Combating fatigue and anxiety about paying bills ranked pretty high on the list of doubts, but somehow we have always had a meal on the table and bills are paid one by one. No thunder or lightning, no huge winning lottery checks in the mail, no manna raining down from heaven, just God overseeing every moment and providing what was needed for the moment. I’ve learned that God doesn’t need a ticker tape parade every time He generously provides, He just wants me to keep trusting.
I have to clung to God’s Promises, his Word every early morning and Christian music to fill my ears and head. Teasingly, I have told my husband the only thing I miss about work this summer is the half-hour commute filling the car with my “Jesus music”. It’s definitely been a long haul in this journey and it’s far from over. Yet, for the first time in a very long time, I can finally look back and see how far we’ve come. The fog is lifting and now the pieces are coming together to actually see God’s work in this path we never thought we would trod.
Daniel finished his summer online Algebra II class and submitted all his work…literally two hours before the extended deadline. His waiting and procrastinating made my stomach hurt, but he pulled it off at the last second and ended up getting a high B in the class. Just so you know, this was a huge God moment, because I did NOT nag him, yell at him, remind him or berate him…I kept my mouth SHUT and just prayed he would finish the class on time. Later, he told me he finished the class and got a B, and I reminded him the only way he finished that class was because his mama was praying for him! How he crammed a semester’s worth of work into the last 3 days I’ll never know, but I am so grateful that God pulled him through and decided to show off at the same time.
This summer has been a time to heal mentally, physically and spiritually. At a recent teacher workshop I attended, as an icebreaker, they wanted you to share how much energy you had compared to the bars on your phone being charged. Several shared that they had three, four and five bars and were so ready to begin the year. I did not voice my comparison aloud because I thought it would be interpreted as a negative comment. If I had to compare my energy level right now as compared to charged bars on a cell phone I would honestly be at a two. Initially, that number sounds very low and despondent, but actually it’s a confirmation of God working continuously in my life. When I left school in June, I was probably in the negative number range with absolutely nothing left in me to give, to teach or to absorb. So, within 2 short months, God has moved me from the negative range to an acceptable range for my physical, mental and spiritual attitude. Only God can do that and I confirm that it really is all about Him!