Don’t ever take for granted the simple everyday task of your child getting up to go to school. Such an ordinary task, get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, grab your lunch, your book bag and go out the door. Oh sure, your child might miss a day or two now and then with the typical stomach bug or cold, but usually they’re right back on track and going full steam ahead within a couple of days. The stark reality of the reason I have not blogged in awhile is because I am heavily grieving for our son who continues to battle a chronic neurological disorder that has everyone baffled. This October marks a full year since he has been able to attend school on a full-time basis. He has not been able to attend a full week of school since last October. I was oh so hopeful it would be different this school year with a neurologist who advocates for him and a new medication; but the downward spiral continues. This nerve-wracking disorder shows no mercy; he’s either awake, alert and living a typical teenage life or he’s out for the count and sleeping for hours on end with no arousal. We’re going to have to make some solid, but difficult decisions about his education soon. I’m trying to be strong for my family and my husband is trying to cope, but honestly, we are exhausted, spent out and in survival mode. Then, throw in my hubby’s fall out of the bed at 2:30 am and six staples in his head later! If I wasn’t so exhausted I’d probably be laughing my head off!
Still, we move on, we trust and we keep going. We appreciate every single moment of Daniel being awake and we are so grateful for the days he is able to go to school. Every day I ask God to show me His goodness and He does. Little things like someone letting me go in front of them in line at the grocery store are confirmations of God’s goodness. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but there’s an underlying acceptance now of knowing this is just the way things are right now. This trial will eventually pass and my prayer is that everyone will see, without a doubt, God’s goodness, His holiness and His healing power. Right now, God is silent, but I’ve walked with him long enough to know He will eventually speak and will intervene in His perfect timing. When you grieve, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel the pain, meet it head on and roll in it. I’m definitely rolling in it right now. Our worldly society minimizes grieving to a few cliches and then expects everyone to return to work with a smile on their face. In the real world of being a believer in a fallen world, it just doesn’t happen that way. Just because I’m a believer does not mean every day will be wonderful and gushing over with joy and love for others. Yes, I acknowledge that some days are downright awful, horrible and very long, but I also have a Savior holding my right hand all the time. These are the times I have to cling to His promises and just hang on. No, this is definitely not what I imagined would be happening to our youngest child in high school. The money I had hoped to put away for retirement is being spent on medical bills and groceries. The luxury of going out to a restaurant is such a rarity now that it’s a huge celebration if we go out to eat….with our coupons in hand!
My joy is coming, plain and simple, it is coming. It may come tomorrow or it may take years from now, but it is coming. God is good and His goodness will prevail even when I don’t think I’ll make it another step at times. In the meantime, I will keep looking for joyous moments and keep believing. In this world of instant gratification, delayed gratification of coming joy is to be upheld and appreciated. I’m hanging on with every fiber of my being because my joy is coming.